Principles and benefits of caring parenting

‍

Marion Cuerq, a specialist in education in Sweden, explains that in this country, education doesn't need to be described as benevolent. It is by its very nature. In France, on the other hand, the term is still the subject of debate. Many believe that benevolent education leads to a generation of "child kings", while others see it as an imperative to accompany the child's harmonious development.
‍

Yet the very definition of education implies a relationship based on benevolence, respect and support for the child. But in practice, this approach is far from systematic. Ordinary educational violence (VEO) - be it shouting, threats, corporal punishment or demeaning words - is still all too prevalent in our society, often out of automatism or the legacy of past educational practices.
‍

This observation highlights the need for profound change. Recent research in psychology, neuroscience and pedagogy shows that these coercive practices can have lasting consequences on a child's emotional and cognitive development. In contrast, caring parenting places respect for children's needs at the heart of the adult-child relationship. It promotes balanced development, encourages autonomy and creates a climate conducive to learning.
‍

Learning to educate with respect for children's needs means building a more empathetic and supportive society. It's also, for parents and educators, a demanding path, requiring reflection and adaptation, but with invaluable long-term benefits.

‍

What is caring education?
‍

The origins of caring
‍

Caring education is a child-centered approach. It emphasizes respect, communication and active listening. It rejects all forms of violence, whether verbal, physical or emotional. Remember that in France, ordinary educational violence has been prohibited by law since 2019.
‍

Be careful: a benevolent approach to education is not synonymous with laxity. Children need a framework to develop properly. He needs to know the rules, rules that evolve with his growing maturity.
‍

In the XXIᵉ century, education benefits from several decades of research in psychology, philosophy and pedagogy. These studies confirm what is good for a child's harmonious development. Thus, caring education is based on:

• Humanist psychology: Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers stressed the importance of respecting children's needs and emotions in education.
  
  
• The work of pediatrician and psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto: she advocated considering the child as a being in its own right. However, subsequent research has shown that, contrary to what she claimed, children do not need adult authority to build themselves. What they do need is an educational framework, and adults of reference or authority.
  
  
• Attachment theory: the research of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth highlighted the importance of a secure relationship between the attachment figure and the child. When the attachment bond is healthy, with affection, love and physical connection, the baby feels secure enough to explore the world on his or her own.
  
  
• Neuroscience: recent studies show that coercive education and harsh parenting have a direct deleterious impact on children's brain development, unlike affection and benevolence (see Positive parenting put to the test by science).
  
  
• Alternative pedagogies: Maria Montessori, Célestin Freinet, Piaget and Decroly understood, even before neuroscience confirmed it, that active pedagogy was the most suitable for children's physical and cognitive development. Their approaches are all based on autonomy and respect for the child. The adult is a guide who has full confidence in the child.
  
  

Benevolent education is therefore based on the idea that children develop best in a respectful and secure environment, both emotionally and physically.
‍

The benefits of caring education for child development
‍

The role of the brain in education

A child's brain is still developing, particularly in the first few years of life. Understanding how it works is essential to adopting the right educational approach. Here are 3 points to bear in mind when accompanying children in their development.

• An immature brain: the brain areas responsible for self-regulation and emotional management, such as the prefrontal cortex, are not fully developed until adolescence. The child therefore needs patient support.
  
  
• The impact of punishment: punishments, especially when they are violent or humiliating even though they are forbidden, activate the stress response (via the amygdala) and can inhibit learning capacities. This stress can have lasting negative effects on emotional development.
  
  
• An educational alternative, repair rather than punish: when children make a mistake, inviting them to reflect and repair their actions helps them understand the consequences of their actions. This develops their sense of responsibility and encourages positive learning.
  ‍

The positive impact of caring parenting on children

True caring education means creating an environment, with clear rules, in which children feel respected and valued. This environment has several positive effects on the child's development. It gives him : 

• A feeling of emotional security: the child evolves in a context where his emotional needs are taken into account. They feel listened to and understood.
  
  
• Self-confidence and autonomy: by being encouraged rather than criticized, children dare to take initiative and develop their ability to act on their own.
  
  
• Better management of emotions: children learn to identify and regulate their emotions by observing benevolent behavior in adults. They also learn a great deal by mimicry. It is therefore essential for adults to set an example when it comes to regulating emotions.
  
  
• Curiosity and enjoyment of learning: an environment without fear of failure or punishment stimulates the natural desire to discover and experiment.

Caring education isn't just a method: it's a powerful tool for fostering children's well-being and full potential, while respecting their cerebral and emotional development.

‍

How do you practice caring parenting on a daily basis?

What does a caring education actually mean in everyday life?

Practicing this kind of education means adopting attitudes and actions that respect the child's emotional and cognitive needs, as well as your own, as a parent at home or a teacher at school. 

There are a few important points to bear in mind: 

• Children are not mini-adults and cannot be expected to behave as such: they do not have the cerebral maturity to regulate their emotions (indeed, many adults are unable to regulate theirs...);
  
  
• you learn from your mistakes if you understand them, not if you condemn them;
  
  
• to be able to welcome your child's emotions, you need to be able to identify your own and know your own limits;
  
  
• benevolence does not preclude setting up a structuring educational framework that fosters autonomy, confidence and learning.
  ‍

At home: create a climate of serenity

The family environment is often the child's first introduction to social interaction. Applying caring parenting on a daily basis means being able to : 

• Replace shouting with listening
  ‍
  Easier said than done, unless we bear in mind that the child is a developing being and needs to be accompanied in order to learn. So, when a child makes a mistake or shows signs of agitation or strong emotions, we take a moment to listen to his underlying need.
  
  We validate our child's emotions: " I can see you're frustrated, it's hard to stop when you're playing. I understand. I'll help you tidy up so you can continue tomorrow". When the child is able to express himself, you can involve him in the search for a solution.
  
  And if you feel that you are unable to manage the situation calmly, you let your own inner storm pass. You apply the famous time-out to yourself (and not to your child).
  
  
• Encouraging and valuing efforts
  ‍
  The way we react to a child's actions strongly influences his self-esteem. So we focus on their efforts, on how far they've come, rather than on results: "You put a lot of effort into tidying up, that's great!"
  
  And we avoid labels and comparisons (" You're the best "), which condition and create unrealistic expectations
  
  
• Create routines and secure moments
  ‍
  Routines structure children's day and reassure them. Regular moments of exchange also strengthen the parent-child bond.
  
  Simple rituals include the inevitable shared evening story, or discussions where everyone talks about a highlight of their day, during dinner.
  
  These routines are also an opportunity to establish moments of autonomy for choosing pajamas, brushing teeth, etc.
  ‍

At school: towards a caring pedagogy

In a school setting, caring education is based on similar principles: a clear message, respect, listening and appreciation. Teachers can integrate these practices into their teaching methods:

• Drawing inspiration from active pedagogies
  
  Adopting approaches such as Montessori or Freinet creates a learning environment that is more respectful of children's rhythms.
  
  In a Montessori environment for 3-6 year olds, the classroom is organized around 5 learning areas in which pupils evolve independently, guided by the educator who provides personalized follow-up.
  
  Group time for exchanges and projects helps develop positive social interactions and cooperation.
  
  
• Valuing progress rather than results
  ‍
  We encourage every step taken, however small, to boost the child's self-confidence. And we avoid criticism, which can be discouraging. It's better to point out areas for improvement than to say that things haven't been done properly. The risk is to be judgmental rather than constructive.
  
  
• Be trained in benevolent communication tools
  ‍
  Approaches such as Nonviolent Communication (NVC) or emotion management can transform classroom dynamics. These methods help defuse tensions and manage conflicts without shouting or punishing.
  ‍

Education without punishment: an essential alternative

Traditional punishments, whether physical or verbal, are not compatible with caring parenting. Not only do they teach the child nothing, they can also generate stress and fear. They can have harmful consequences for a child's development.

• Why punishments don't work
  
  According to experts like Roseline Roy, punishments don't work. They block learning, because they activate the stress zone in the child's brain. They don't help children understand the consequences of their actions.
  
  
• Reparation as an alternative
  
  By offering children the opportunity to constructively repair their mistakes, not only do they learn, but relationships are immediately of a much higher quality... and will remain so in the long term. The child knows he'll always find a caring space to confide in, an environment where he won't be judged.

Does the child spill or break? Raise your hand if you've never broken a glass or dropped a jar of jam or seeds! What do you do in such cases? You clean it up and pick it up. The same goes for children, within the limits of what they are capable of doing for their age. This teaches them to take responsibility for their actions, while reinforcing their practical skills.
‍

Benevolent or positive education: what are the differences and limits?

We hear people talk about "caring education" and "positive education" or "positive pedagogy" all at the same time. Are they the same thing? 

Both aim to create a respectful and fulfilling relationship between child and adult. The former relies more on the posture of the adult, while the latter puts forward tools and techniques.

A global framework vs. specific techniques

Caring education is a holistic approach. It focuses on the overall quality of the adult-child relationship. It emphasizes listening, empathy, communication and mutual respect.

Positive education focuses more on concrete tools to encourage desired behaviors. In particular, it relies on positive reinforcement (valuing positive actions rather than punishing mistakes).
‍

A philosophy vs. a methodology

Caring education is more a philosophy of life. It invites adults to review their attitudes and reactions to children in depth.

Positive education proposes specific educational practices, such as the use of reward charts or targeted praise.
‍

Emotional vs. behavioral purpose

The main aim of caring parenting is to develop a secure emotional bond with the child. It focuses on the child's needs and emotions.

Positive education aims to reinforce positive behaviors while respecting the child, but with a sharper focus on behavioral outcomes.

‍

One doesn't preclude the other. Not all children have the same needs. Some may need reinforcers for their development, in addition to all the benefits of a caring upbringing. 

‍

‍

When caring education is misapplied and misinterpreted...

Benevolence and frustration go hand in hand

As we have seen, caring education does not mean the absence of frameworks or rules, contrary to what its detractors claim. Some parents or educators may be afraid of "frustrating" the child by setting rules. This can lead to a form of educational laxity, which is harmful for the child. Yes, children need clear rules to feel secure.
‍

They also need to experience frustration. The important thing is to accompany this emotion. It's better to talk about inhibitory control to understand what it's all about.
‍

Let's take the example of the Montessori 3-6 year-old environment. In such an environment, activities exist in only one example. If a child wants to take an activity, which is already in the hands of a classmate, he'll have to wait his turn. This is frustrating, but the rules are clear. He learns to control himself.
‍

Inhibitory control is one of the 3 key executive functions developed in the Montessori environment. The other two are working memory and cognitive flexibility.
‍

For the adult, benevolence is a posture rather than an effort

It's not uncommon to hear that good parenting requires a great deal of effort on the part of adults, who must constantly take it upon themselves.

Perhaps the greatest effort to be made is to work on oneself. You have to be able to listen to yourself, in order to be able to listen to others. If you've been brought up according to the principles of benevolent education, adults generally don't talk about effort. Their attitude is natural. Marion Cuerq regularly mentions this when she talks about education in Sweden and Swedish parents.
‍

If adopting a benevolent approach to parenting means breaking away from some parental patterns, it can take a little more work. Unlearning inherited patterns doesn't happen with a snap of the fingers, and can be exhausting when tired or stressed. Reflexes (shouting, punishing) may kick in during the unlearning period.
‍

Adopting a caring approach to parenting requires a great deal of hard work, patience and empathy. It's a gradual and imperfect process. The most important thing is to do your best.
‍

Don't feel guilty

And when we talk about empathy, it's not just for the other person. It's also directed at oneself. Parents and teachers can feel inadequate when they lose patience or fail to apply this method consistently. This guilt can be a brake on their own benevolence towards themselves.

One-off mistakes don't erase all the good efforts you've made. Allowing yourself the right to imperfection is essential to maintaining a positive dynamic. If you feel guilty about raising your voice, there's nothing to stop you discussing it with your children once you've calmed down.
‍

Why do Esclaibes schools embrace caring education?

Esclaibes International Schools in Paris, Marseille and Clichy all share the same pedagogical vision: well-being and bilingual teaching excellence. Caring education and active pedagogy form the basis of our educational approach. The Montessori pedagogy used in the network's establishments fits harmoniously into this approach. It is complemented by a number of initiatives that promote student well-being.

A pedagogy centered on autonomy and respect for rhythm

Montessori pedagogy is based on respect for each child's individual rhythm. It enables each child to explore at his or her own pace and develop autonomy.

In our bilingual schools in Paris, Clichy and Marseille, this principle translates into personalized work plans that take into account each student's interests and abilities. This individualized follow-up encourages autonomy. It helps children gain confidence in their abilities.
‍

Safe environments for overall well-being

Caring education is not limited to interactions between children and adults. It extends to the child's physical and emotional environment.

Our international schools (as well as our nurseries) are on a human scale and designed with spaces in which children feel safe, respected and supported. Reading corners, relaxation areas and rooms dedicated to wellness activities (yoga, meditation) are integrated into the facilities to promote calm and self-fulfillment.
‍

‍
‍

A culture of collaboration and mutual support

In a bilingual, multicultural environment, the nursery and elementary schools in the Esclaibes International Schools network promote collaboration and mutual support. Bilingual teaching from the earliest age enables children to evolve in a rich and open environment.

From philosophical workshops are organized to encourage children to express themselves freely and listen to others. These exchanges develop valuable social skills and strengthen group cohesion.

In Esclaibes schools, each child is considered a unique individual, whose well-being is the key to development and learning.

‍

For parents and teachers, caring education is a path, not a destination. Would you like to find out more about Esclaibes International Schools' methods and commitment to respectful, caring education? Discover our pedagogical approach and join a community dedicated to the well-being and fulfillment of children. Contact us now!

‍