How do you answer children's existential questions?

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Every parent has experienced it: their child suddenly asks an unexpected question. A question about life, death, love, justice, good and evil. How do we answer these existential questions from children? They reflect a natural desire in young people to understand the world around them and find their place in it.
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For adults, answering children's existential questions is not always easy. But it's essential to take them seriously. These exchanges enable children to grow up peacefully, both intellectually and emotionally. They contribute directly to their personal development, their open-mindedness and their self-confidence. So how do we find the right words? How can we best support children in their quest for answers?
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What is a child's existential question?
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Existential questions are deep questions about the meaning of life, death, emotions and the nature of being human. Children often express these issues through questions such as: "Why do we die?", "Where do we go when we die?", "What was there before I was born?", "Why do we have to be nice?", "Why are there bad people?", "What is happiness?" or "Why am I me and not someone else?".
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These questions, also known as metaphysical questions, generally arise between the ages of 4 and 5. At this age, children begin to become aware of their own existence and that of others. They discover the complexity of the world around them, and feel the need to understand their place in it. But these questions can also arise as early as age 3, when children are able to formulate their first thoughts and reflections on their experiences.
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In all cases, these questions demonstrate great intellectual and emotional sensitivity. They deserve to be greeted with kindness and attention. It's important to offer children an environment, within the family and at school too, in which they feel sufficiently confident and secure to dare to ask these questions.
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Why do children ask existential questions?

Children ask existential questions, as they gradually develop a heightened awareness of the world around them. As they grow older, their thinking becomes more refined. They move from a purely concrete view of their environment to more abstract thinking. These questions are therefore a sign ofawakening thought and natural intellectual curiosity.
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These questions also express the fundamental need for children to understand their own place: in their family, at school, in society, and even in the universe. By questioning the meaning of life, death and human relationships, they seek to situate their own existence in relation to that of others. It's a way for him to become aware of his uniqueness while building his identity.
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Finally, these metaphysical questions regularly arise after significant events in daily life: the birth of a little brother or sister, the death of a close relative, parental separation, or even moving house. In the face of these upheavals, existential questions enable children to make sense of what they are experiencing. They offer them an essential space for expression, to ease their worries and better understand the world in which they are evolving.
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Sometimes they can't put these questions into words. It's through observation that we can realize that a child is in an unusual mood. For example, one teacher noticed that one of her pupils, a real ray of sunshine in the classroom, had been sad and sullen for several weeks. But the 2-year-old didn't have the words to express herself. It was only a few weeks later, when the teacher saw the mother's profile, that she realized the family was about to grow. Simple, reassuring words were spoken about this little sister about to arrive, and the smile returned.
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A few years earlier, a 5-year-old who was always cheerful began to cry systematically at recess. The teacher felt helpless and powerless. With a few questions, the school psychologist was able to understand that this little girl had just lost her grandfather, and that she was sad that her grandmother was alone. Above all, she was facing death for the first time. The psychologist was able to find the right words to accompany this passage, this sign that she was growing up.
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Why is it essential to answer children's existential questions?

Answering children's existential questions is essential to building their emotional security. Indeed, when children feel listened to and taken seriously, they develop lasting trust in the adults around them. This confidence strengthens their sense of inner security and their ability to calmly face up to sometimes anxiety-provoking questions.
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On an intellectual level, accepting these questions without judgment encourages children to be open-minded. By offering age-appropriate answers, we teach them to think for themselves. We encourage them to explore different perspectives and gradually build their own reasoning. This approach helps shape children capable ofindependent thought and discernment.

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Finally, providing honest, caring answers prevents children from taking refuge in unnecessary fantasies and anxieties. Contradictory or non-existent explanations run the risk of creating misunderstandings or persistent fears. The aim is to provide the clearest possible answers, which does not prevent us from saying that we don't know, in order to protect the child from misinterpretations that could upset his emotional balance.
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How can we provide concrete answers to children's existential questions?

Adopt an open and attentive attitude

The first step is to welcome the question without minimizing it. Even if it seems confusing or provocative, it's sincere. It's essential to listen without judgment, without interrupting or diverting. Children need to feel that they can express themselves freely, that none of their thoughts are "too weird" or "too serious".

Even though you may be baffled by the question, it's important to take the time to answer it, even briefly, rather than putting off the discussion until later. This shows them that their words have value.

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Choose age-appropriate words

There's no need to explain everything in detail. What's important is to keep it real while using simple words. An overly complex answer may create more confusion than reassurance.

For example, if a child asks what's after death, it's possible to say, "Nobody really knows, but some people think there's something, others don't." This opens the way for reflection without imposing belief.

Avoid images that are too blurred or misleading, such as "he's gone on a big trip": they can generate fears or misunderstandings.

Accepting that you don't know everything

Sometimes, you won't have the answer. And that's perfectly normal. It's better to say "I don't know, we could look into it together" than to invent an uncertain explanation.

This humble stance shows children that adults don't have all the answers, and that doubt is part of life. It also reassures them that they too have the right not to know.

Encouraging reflection through dialogue

Existential questions are a great way to start a discussion. Rather than answering too quickly, you can ask: "What do you think?" or "Do you have any ideas?".

This enables children to structure their thinking, express their emotions and understand that there isn't always just one truth. This dialogue nourishes their thinking and helps them to grow internally.

Use professional help and children's books

We can sometimes feel powerless and helpless in the face of a child's questions: we certainly welcome his questioning, but we feel that it has invaded him and is beyond us. One mother describes what her 5-year-old son said to her one evening, when at 10pm he still hadn't slept. White as a sheet, he confided in her: "Mom, I've got death on my mind". These parents then made the choice to turn to a psychologist to help them accompany their child through this moment that seemed more complex than a question about death.
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But they also used children's books to provide answers to other questions, such as religion, justice and violence...

These books include 

Gaston, the little boy who never stopped asking questionsMatthieu de Laubirert, Bayard Jeunesse - From age 4

For books about bereavement, don't hesitate to ask our librarians. Here are a few titles on the subject: 

• Mado and the memory boxLaetitia Abad Estieu and Nella, Bonbon Citron ;
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• The heart and the bottleOlivier Jeffers, L'école des Loisirs ;
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• Is he asleep?Olivier Tallec, Pastel.
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For questions that have more to do with the birth of the Universe, the appearance of life on Earth, the famous question: "Where do we come from?" and who came first, at Esclaibes International Schools, children get answers through the great Montessori stories. You can complement them with appropriate science books, such as the "Les sciences ! C'est pas sorcier" collection from Editions Deux Coqs d'Or.
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Pitfalls to avoid when answering children's existential questions

Answering a child's big questions isn't easy. And even with the best of intentions, we can sometimes fall into certain pitfalls that hinder rather than enlighten. Here are three common pitfalls to avoid.

Closing the door to reflection

Some adults give ready-made answers, with a tone of authority. For example: "That's the way it is, period" or "Nobody knows, so don't ask that question"
This type of response puts an end to the dialogue. The child no longer dares to look or think for himself. The point is not to end a debate, but to open up a space for thought.

Avoid the subject or hide the truth

Fear of offending, or not knowing how to say things, can tempt us to lie or deflect the question. Yet children can sense when we're not being honest.
Saying "you'll understand later" or inventing an explanation to avoid a delicate subject can fuel their confusion or insecurity. They need to feel that we're taking their question seriously, even if we can't tell them everything.

Over-saying or over-dramatizing

On the other hand, sometimes too much is said, with vocabulary or concepts that are beyond the child's understanding. This can provoke anxiety, especially on sensitive subjects such as death or injustice.
The adult's role is to strike a balance: telling the truth with delicacy, without emotionally burdening the child or projecting his or her own fears.

Answering an existential question is not about teaching a lesson. It's about entering into a conversation that nourishes thought and reassures the child that he's not alone in facing his big questions.
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Philosophy workshops at school: a valuable way of tackling existential questions

Philosophy workshops enable children tofreely express their thoughts and reflect together on fundamental questions. These moments of structured discussion offer them a space to :

• think ;
• listen ;
• argue ;
• questioning, without expecting a single truth.

Among the major themes often addressed: what is happiness? why do we die? what does it mean to be free? what is fair?
Each question becomes the starting point for a collective reflection that feeds individual thought. Children learn that it's possible to have different opinions, and that everyone can contribute to the debate in their own way. It's also during these workshops that questions relating to environmental risks can be addressed, as ecological awareness develops.

A number of publishers have launched collections that can be used as a basis for debate. These include : 

• Les goûters philo by Brigitte Labbé published by Milan;
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• Les petits philosophes by Sophie Furlaud, Bayard Jeunesse ;
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• Les philo-fables by Michel Piquemal, published by Albin Michel, ages 9 and up;
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• Children's books by Baptiste Beaulieu and Qin Leng published by Les Arènes: Les gens sont beaux, On a deux yeux pour voir, Je suis moi et personne d'autre.
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At Esclaibes International Schools, these workshops are integrated into classroom life. Children are invited to philosophize in a caring, secure environment, where all ideas can be expressed, provided they respect those of others. The adult does not provide the answer, but helps each child to construct his or her own thoughts.
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These exchanges complement the role of families: both at school and at home, children are supported in their quest for meaning, with reference points, a listening ear and, above all, the freedom to think for themselves.

Answering children's existential questions does much more than calm their curiosity. It's about enabling them to grow up with a clear conscience, solid reference points and the confidence to explore the world.

Family dialogue plays an essential role. But the school also has a role to play. At Esclaibes International Schools, philosophy workshops for children, freedom of expression and pedagogical benevolence provide a rich framework for children to think, understand and develop as conscious and open human beings.