How can we establish a safe environment without being authoritarian, both at school and at home?

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“You clearly have no authority over your child,” “He’s got you wrapped around his little finger.” These phrases may resonate with you, without necessarily convincing you. They are based on a view of authority inherited from an authoritarian model, in which adults impose their will, threaten, or instill fear to secure obedience. However, there is another way of thinking about authority: what might be called educational authority.

This kind of authority does not seek to dominate the child, but rather to provide a safe, clear, and consistent environment in which the child can grow, learn, and develop independence. Both at school and at home, educational authority is built on the relationship between the child and the adult, on trust, consistency, and the adult’s example—far more so than on fear or coercion.

Against a backdrop of strong social and parental expectations, let’s take the time to redefine what we mean by authority. Not an authority that crushes, but an educational, caring, and embodied authority that allows children to embrace the framework rather than merely submit to it.

Why is authority such a hot topic today?

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The reason the issue of authority sparks so much debate is that it lies at the intersection of several contemporary tensions. On the one hand, there is an educational system rooted in models where children were expected to obey, remain silent, and adapt to adults. On the other hand, there is a growing desire for relationships that are more respectful and more attuned to children’s development and their emotional, relational, and cognitive needs.

In this context, authority is often misunderstood. It is frequently confused with authoritarianism: imposing, coercing, and demanding obedience, sometimes through fear or punishment. Conversely, stepping outside this model can be equated with laxity or a renunciation of the adult’s role. It is as if showing greater respect for the child necessarily meant no longer setting limits for them.

However, structure and respect for the child are not mutually exclusive. This is precisely what research on educational authority suggests. In *Les Cahiers pédagogiques*, Marie Gaussel points out—drawing on the work of several researchers in the field of education—that authority is neither the abandonment of structure nor the exercise of arbitrary power. Educational structure remains necessary: it can be protective, fair, and explicit, while gradually fostering the child’s autonomy.

Parents, like teachers, can nevertheless find themselves caught up in these conflicting views. Comments from those around them and talk of a “lack of authority” can fuel doubt: if we don’t yell, if we explain a rule, if we try to understand what the child is going through rather than demanding immediate obedience, are we still setting clear boundaries?

Added to this is a still very ambivalent view of children. In many cultural contexts, children are still perceived as beings who need to be corrected, guided, and sometimes dominated. Yet current knowledge about child development shows how children’s skills and self-regulation abilities develop gradually. This view of the child as manipulative and in need of restraint and control contrasts with other conceptions of the educational relationship— particularly those developed in Scandinavian countries (see Jesper Juul, who calls for a rethinking of the adult-child relationship)—where greater emphasis is placed on the child’s participation and respect for their development.

Ultimately, this question invites us to shift our perspective on children. Viewing them as individuals in the process of development, whose self-regulation skills are gradually developing, does not mean relinquishing our role as adults. Children do not need fewer boundaries simply because they are respected; they need boundaries that make sense, established by an adult who takes responsibility for them.

It is precisely this shift in perspective that allows us to move beyond the dichotomy between authority and permissiveness and to consider a different way of exercising authority, both at school and at home.

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What is educational authority?

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Let's start with what it is not: educational authority is defined neither by domination, nor by coercion, nor by fear. It does not consist of making a child obey at all costs.

The educational authority aims to provide children with a supportive environment in which they can feel safe as they grow, learn, and develop.

Unlike authoritarian authority, which is imposed from the outside and is often exercised against the child, educational authority is built within the relationship. It is based on a clear and embodied adult stance that gives meaning to the rules and their purpose. The purpose of this framework is not to subjugate, but to protect: it allows the child to understand what is expected of them, what is possible, what is not, and why.

As Amanda Ceselia, academic director at the Esclaibes International Bilingual Schools, points out, educational authority is best understood as relational authority—an authority that is built through daily interactions with the child, while maintaining a clear framework and the adult’s specific responsibilities.

It is therefore not exercised against the child, but with the child, without, however, eliminating the asymmetry of the educational relationship or the need for structure.

It is woven into everyday life, through the way adults guide children, speak to them, look at them, and treat them. A child does not follow rules over the long term because he or she is afraid, but because he or she trusts. The child senses thatthe adult is a reliable, constant source of guidance, always there to support, protect, and help him or her grow.

From this perspective, educational authority encompasses three inseparable dimensions:

• a clear, explicit, and consistent framework that provides stable guidelines;
• a relationship of trust, built on consistency, active listening, and consideration;
• an educational purpose focused on the child’s development, their gradual independence, and their ability to self-regulate.

Educational authority, therefore, is not exercised solely in moments of tension or conflict. It is also—and above all—built through the small, everyday interactions.

Viewed in this way, educational authority is neither a renunciation of the adult role nor a stance of control. It is a committed responsibility toward the child:

“That of serving as a guiding light, providing a stable and fair framework, offering support with respect, and believing deeply in the child’s potential for growth. Within this relational authority, the child does not submit; rather, the child embraces it, because the child feels understood, supported, and secure,” explains Amanda Ceselia.

This approach to the adult-child relationship is part of the broader educational philosophy of our schools, which is based on respect for the child’s development, trust, and the child’s gradual independence.

7 Keys to Exercising Parental Authority in Everyday Life

1 - Establish a clear, stable, and understandable framework

A child needs:

• defined rules;
• stable reference points;
• reasonable limits.

Respecting a child’s pace, listening to them, and taking their needs into account does not mean letting them decide everything. The adult remains responsible for setting the boundaries.

When these boundaries are clear and consistent, the child knows what is expected of him or her, what is possible, and what is not. He or she can then focus their energy on learning, playing, and exploring rather than constantly testing the limits.

In preschool, and especially with very young children, this issue is central. Noémie Girault taught for several years in preschool, notably with 2- to 3-year-olds atthe Esclaibes Paris 16 bilingual preschool. The ages of 2 to 3 are often referred to as the “terrible twos,” but she describes this period above all as one of self-assertion and self-development.

Clear, explicit, and well-understood rules

For Noémie, the first requirement for setting boundaries without raising your voice is a relationship built on trust.

“A child will listen if he feels heard and trusts the adult. If he is afraid, he may obey at the moment, but not because he understands the rule—and so he is likely to do it again.”

The start of the year, or the arrival of a new adult, are key moments in this regard. When we say that a child is “testing” something, they aren’t just testing the rule—they’re primarily testing the adult’s reliability. Are they consistent? Are they fair? Can we count on them?

Establishing a framework, therefore, is not about imposing more and more restrictions, but about making the rules clear and understandable. The more a rule makes sense to a child, the easier it will be for the child to gradually internalize it.

Negotiable rules / non-negotiable rules

Not all rules have the same status, and clearly distinguishing between them is often very helpful, both for children and adults.

“I like to talk about negotiable rules—ones that can be discussed and evolve over time—and non-negotiable rules—ones that don’t change: hitting, pushing, or hurting others.” — Noémie Girault

This distinction helps the child understand that the framework is not arbitrary. Some rules are related to safety and respect for others: they are not up for debate. Others can be adjusted or decided upon together, which gives the child an active role in the group.

Far from undermining authority, this clarity actually strengthens it. A child feels safer in a familiar environment. He or she may test its limits at times, but once they find their bearings, they feel reassured.

Just like adults, children need structure and predictability to feel secure.

2 - Be consistent: The child must be able to rely on the adult

A child feels secure in a structured environment only if that environment offers a certain degree of consistency. Keeping one’s word, responding consistently, and enforcing rules fairly allows the child to know what to expect.

This doesn't mean being inflexible or always reacting in exactly the same way. A situation may require adaptation. But behind these adjustments, the child must be able to find consistent guidance and a reliable adult.

3 - Demonstrate authority in the small moments of everyday life

In class, these include, for example:

• morning check-in;
• transitions;
• wait times;
• errors;
• difficult emotions.

Being present, attentive, and available—without being intrusive—lets the child know that he or she can rely on the adult, even when boundaries need to be clearly reaffirmed.

Research in educational science also shows that a supportive social environment promotes:

• attention ;
• cooperation;
• self-regulation.

The brain learns best when it feels safe. In this context, the framework is no longer experienced as an external constraint, but as an internal source of support.

4 - Model the behavior expected of the child

An adult's authority is strengthened when he or she personally exemplifies the behaviors he or she expects:

• speak respectfully;
• control one's emotions as much as possible;
• maintain a calm demeanor;
• Admit a mistake or apologize when necessary.

Children pick up on inconsistencies between what adults say and how they act. For example, it’s difficult to ask a child not to yell if the adult consistently raises their voice to get the child’s attention. Leading by example lends credibility to the rules. And an adult who embodies what they expect naturally becomes a credible authority figure.

Learning through observation and imitation is well documented in children. In particular, some neuroscience studies have examined the role of so-called “mirror” systems in the perception and reproduction of others’ actions. However, their functioning alone is not sufficient to explain the complexity of social learning.

5 - Changing the Way We View Children

Exercising educational authority also involves reflecting on how we view the child. Viewing the child as “difficult,” “provocative,” or “manipulative” inevitably influences how we interpret the child’s behavior and how we interact with the child.

Conversely, viewing the child as a work in progress—capable of gradually learning to regulate his or her behavior—allows us to distinguish more clearly between the child and his or her actions: a behavior may require a boundary without, however, defining the child who exhibited it.

This idea echoes, in particular, the Pygmalion effect, which has been studied in social psychology and educational science: an adult’s expectations can influence the way they interact with a child and, through this, help shape the child’s behavior and learning. The way adults view children is therefore not neutral.

6 - Talk about the actions without passing judgment on the child

“You hit” doesn’t convey the same message to a child as “you’re being mean.”
To maintain boundaries without humiliating the child, it is recommended that you:

• State the facts rather than judge the person (they say that using “you” is harmful);
• explain what is not acceptable;
• set the limit;
• and then oversee the repair.

This distinction between behavior and the person is essential: a child may have broken a rule without being defined solely by that transgression.

7 - Exercising Authority for the Child's Sake

Finally, educational authority truly comes into its own when it is exercised not to get something from the child, but to support the child’s development. Adults set limits because they are responsible for the child’s safety, the safety of others, and the well-being of the group; they provide guidance because they believe in the child’s ability to learn and grow.

This responsibility means remaining committed to the relationship, even when the child is facing a challenge or breaking a rule. In such cases, authority does not mean exerting power over the child or relinquishing one’s role as an adult; rather, it means using that role to help the child grow.

To further the discussion on classroom authority, Amanda Ceselia and Noémie Girault also shared their experiences and advice in the Prof Dom article dedicated to classroom authority without raising your voice.

At school and at home: the same educational approach

Whether you are a parent or a teacher, the issue of authority arises in different contexts but is based on a deeply shared approach. Children need consistency among the adults around them—not in the sense of uniform practices, but in terms of a shared perspective, values, and educational goals.

Educational authority is not merely a set of techniques to be applied. It also involves the adult: the way he or she reacts, his or her own educational background, his or her habitual responses, his or her fatigue, and sometimes his or her limitations.

It would therefore be unrealistic to present relational authority as a formula for avoiding all tensions. Some children face particular challenges; certain situations require more support. For their part, parents and professionals also have to cope with fatigue, emotional overload, or—at school—the constraints of the group.

Recognizing these realities does not call the framework into question. It simply serves as a reminder that authority is built and adapted within human relationships. At school, it can also rely on a team: asking for support, sharing a challenge, or reflecting collectively on a situation are all integral parts of this educational responsibility.

“Because we’re only human and sometimes get worn out, asking for help or leaning on a colleague is never an admission of weakness,” explains Amanda Ceselia.

What if, after all, authority isn't something we impose, but something we embody?